Its the night of 'Qadr'.............well according to the accepted opinion at least. As usual I've been to the Mosque 'n as usual the Imam prayed for the betterment and forgiveness of the Muslim community. Nope, nothing was unusual. People crying, chanting, praying (and in some cases shouting) around me was nothing out of World, been experiencing such events since my childhood. The only thing different was my heart (scientifically speaking, ''My Mentality, Feelings, Psychology etc etc).
I've been brought up in an isolated and controlled environment (Sorry folks, been reading chemistry recently. Can't help it). So, I've been extremely religious, if not pious and a well behaved boy (people say so). In every religious occasion, I took preparation in advance to observe it in appropriate manner. I prayed even after mid-night. Tonight however, I witnessed a different Maisun (for the note, that's my name). I was untouched, unmoved and unaffected by all the emotions around me. Recently I've found myself reluctant to religious practices. Believe it or not, I was always the one to sit in the second row (I never considered myself worthy of the first row and besides, a 'picci' among several 'murubbis' wouldn't look good). Such change is surprising, even for me! Gradually I'm losing my faith in religion and particularly 'People'. That can't be good. I better not go into details but I'm quite sure that I'm becoming evil. I'm becoming something which I'm not, a machine.
So what are the causes? Have I become evil and heartless because I've experienced too much hardship? No, that can't be it. Although I've experienced many aspects of life doesn't mean I've seen it all. I'm pretty sure I've yet to experience real world. Besides, there are a lot of people out there who have survived a far worse cases and still they are OK, I'm sure of it. So is it my internal clash of 'Emotion' and 'Logic'? There are some actions which you need to take, displaying selfless act, under the influence of emotion, simply because you are human. Again, there are some actions which you need to take, being selfish, simply because you need to survive. Recently, I've become obsessed with surviving. I've doing things which I never did before. Is it the changing world or have I been dazzled by the luxury of other people around me or because of the transition from 'Do nothing boy' to 'Do it all boy' or simply because I'm lost. Don't know the answer yet.
I've been brought up in an isolated and controlled environment (Sorry folks, been reading chemistry recently. Can't help it). So, I've been extremely religious, if not pious and a well behaved boy (people say so). In every religious occasion, I took preparation in advance to observe it in appropriate manner. I prayed even after mid-night. Tonight however, I witnessed a different Maisun (for the note, that's my name). I was untouched, unmoved and unaffected by all the emotions around me. Recently I've found myself reluctant to religious practices. Believe it or not, I was always the one to sit in the second row (I never considered myself worthy of the first row and besides, a 'picci' among several 'murubbis' wouldn't look good). Such change is surprising, even for me! Gradually I'm losing my faith in religion and particularly 'People'. That can't be good. I better not go into details but I'm quite sure that I'm becoming evil. I'm becoming something which I'm not, a machine.
So what are the causes? Have I become evil and heartless because I've experienced too much hardship? No, that can't be it. Although I've experienced many aspects of life doesn't mean I've seen it all. I'm pretty sure I've yet to experience real world. Besides, there are a lot of people out there who have survived a far worse cases and still they are OK, I'm sure of it. So is it my internal clash of 'Emotion' and 'Logic'? There are some actions which you need to take, displaying selfless act, under the influence of emotion, simply because you are human. Again, there are some actions which you need to take, being selfish, simply because you need to survive. Recently, I've become obsessed with surviving. I've doing things which I never did before. Is it the changing world or have I been dazzled by the luxury of other people around me or because of the transition from 'Do nothing boy' to 'Do it all boy' or simply because I'm lost. Don't know the answer yet.
